You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
