You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
