i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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