Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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