No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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