Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I will pee on everything he values.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
