Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
