His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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