You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
