yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
