I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
