i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
