why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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