The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
