Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
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