Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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