Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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