Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
