"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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