honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
