I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
