uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
