Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
