i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
