dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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