My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
