The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
