My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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