I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
