First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
