News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
