last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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