How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
