No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
