I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
