My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
