Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
