i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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