i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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