I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
