I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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