I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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