Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
