I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
