you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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