Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
