I feel like abortions should bother me more
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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