is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
