You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I would fuck him just for his dog
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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