im six kinds of drunk right now
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
