3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
