My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The best revenge is premature balding
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
