Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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