dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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