i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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