Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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