she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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