You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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