Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
