My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
