It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We got so high we made milksteak
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
