Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
