I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
