fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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